Tuesday, November 26, 2013

In Case You Thought I Wanted an Instant Relationship -- Not True

I think I may have given one or more of my exes the idea that I wanted an instant relationship. If so, I apologize for the misunderstanding and nothing could be further than the truth.

I never meant to give you that impression. After all, it's just as much my responsibility to decide what I want as well, right? The only thing I don't like is trying to tell a guy I'm glad I met him and that I enjoy his company for him to be a total downer.

Other than that, as long as we don't talk about the relationship and where it's going, believe me, I'm fine. Men are just as guilty of killing a relationship by talking about it too much, not just women. 

And, just because I express my feelings doesn't mean that I want something more than what it is. I sometimes just wish the man would let me live in my little fantasy for awhile. Is that too much to ask?

On the other hand, I read many books about not rushing relationships or worrying about marriage. Ironically, almost every man I ever dated brought up the subject (other than in a passing or joking manner) before I did. 

Monday, November 25, 2013

Concerning Matters of Destiny, I Hope I'm Not Delusional

Is He Really The One?

When it comes to matters of destiny as well as matters of the heart, I hope i'm not delusional. So many factors determine whether or not my feelings are real or whether or not they're all in my head. 

Many a Time My Emotions Fooled Me

Over and over again I thought I might have met the one. Then, I later realized maybe it was just wishful thinking. When will I ever know for sure? Ever? I've been wrong so many times before, so when will I ever be right? 

All I can think to do is listen to and follow my heart. Eventually it will lead me to the right place. I can only hope, anyway. 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

To Someone From My Past: One Thing I Was Afraid to Tell You (That I Just Wanted to Be With You)

Sometimes in relationships, I felt damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I could push someone away if I act too tough, as if I don't need a man. But I could scare him away if I use too many words when I want to admit how I really feel. Still, I always lived by this rule: We only live once!

To Someone from My Past: One Thing I Was Afraid to Tell You

If you see this, you by now know way too much about me. Nowadays, I might seem too neurotic and even appear desperate, and for some reason decided to over-share which I don't typically do to a guy. 

But remember there was a time when I would've never made any effort at all to share how I really feel about a person, or told anyone anything personal about me. And now, I'm re-stating some things I've said to you within the past four years, but still feel I have more to add. 

When you used to call me almost every day and make time for me, I didn't feel like I had to try so hard to make an effort to show you I care. Furthermore, I felt secure not because I didn't find you attractive but because you always assured me with your eyes that you do really love me. 

You didn't even have to say it, though you did admit to me in writing that you wondered if you did love me. I didn't know what to think, because you passed those written thoughts to me during lunchtime at school only two weeks after we met. 

I didn't get a chance to respond in that moment, because you had somewhere you had to be. However, you should know this: Ever since you put the idea out there until three and a half months later, I pondered my own feelings.

At one point, I even said out loud (or to myself honestly don't remember), "I see no end to this. If it ever did end, it would have to be because he broke up with me." And, I wish I hadn't said that because I feel now like I accidentally prophesied our breakup. 

I Missed You Since Then, But Everything Happens for a Reason 

Neither when you and I were together nor after you broke up with me, I don't know if I really thought every aspect of our relationship through consciously. However, when I think about all that was going on at that time, I wasn't sure how I could've continued our relationship anyway.

I had idea how I could ever tell you about the repeated abuse in my home at the time. Because of not wanting to tell you anything about it, I was actually relieved you ended our relationship. I also thought you terminated it for good reason -- that we were kind of young to be deciding who's "the one."  

Aside from not wanting to reveal what's behind #1 at my house, I agreed with your decision to take a break. In the process, I didn't anticipate this: 

Not seeing you for over two decades just because either of us never made it clear to the other what we wanted. Or maybe we really didn't know what we wanted, and to put your mind at ease, it really wasn't just you who didn't know. 

Nevertheless, I must say it also wasn't because I thought you were inferior. And I didn't even meet anyone else to date until almost two months later and didn't fall in love again 'til over six years later. 

When I Was With You

When with you, I was trying to figure out what love was and I often wondering how long I had to be with someone before I know I loved him. Over two decades later, I realize I really did love you but I wasn't sure when I'd ever know I'm ready for marriage. 

I also didn't expect that you'd know when you were ready either -- not at that time. Not at 15 or 16 years old. Who does that? Oh yeah, my parents. They got married at 18, which was two years after giving birth to me. 

My parent's marriage was a long, rocky road -- and a downhill steep from the time you first met me on until I turned 19. If you thought it was you I didn't want, that was definitely false. Nothing could have been more false, in fact. 

The one Thing I Was Afraid to Tell You

You may have already seen this in an email message. However, I'm saying it again because it's true. Also, it relates to the struggles I've had in the past four to five years with not being able to make up my mind who's "the one." 

The One Thing I Was Always Afraid to Tell You: I never wanted to be with anyone else. Not then and not now. I just wanted to be with you. The only reason I ever dated anyone else -- especially after you were long gone for over 17 years -- was because I felt it was my duty. 

If you didn't want to be with me, I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself and never date anyone else. However, the truth is, you really were the only one I ever wanted to be with and I hope I do get to see you again. 

And I Can't Believe I'm Posting This Live: I feel self-conscious. I hope you don't think I'm psycho if you ever see this. We just only have one life to live, and I don't mean the soap opera either. It's true. Only one life. 

Hindsight Tells all About Love Once Again (What I've Learned About Relationships)

A person can think another individual doesn't love him or her. Usually, this occurs when one person in the relationship doesn't respond to a partner's attempts at showing affection. Worse yet, the other person might not reciprocate or may not call very often, and so on. 

Sometimes, one person in the relationship may even talk about marriage and then later back out of an engagement. I myself thought this happened because the person's feelings changed. 

I found out eventually all my relationships were (for the most part) mutual.

When I say "mutual," I don't mean that the other person always put forth as much effort as me, but they usually felt the same way as I did inside. A person may have wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with him, but oftentimes circumstances got in the way. 

Bad Timing + Not Ready = Frustration

Over the years, I've developed a simple formula for relationships. No matter how we felt about one another in any relationship I've ever had, it didn't help that either of us was not ready for marriage. Frustration stews in the emotions of two people when they want to be together but don't feel they can do anything about it. 

Should It End If No One Is Ready?

I'm not saying people have to be ready for marriage in order to date. However, speaking from the perspective of someone who's had genuine feelings for over a half a dozen people in my lifetime, it certainly wouldn't hurt to be ready!

Now, I don't really like to dwell on the past and get caught in "if only I didn't...", but I can say this: If a person can at all stand being alone, it's better to travel, go back to school, get some hobbies and work toward establishing financial and emotional stability before dating one person after another. 

What if I Never Marry?

So what? Who cares?! And don't worry about what anyone thinks, not even grandkid-hungry parents. No one should judge -- especially parents and friends who aren't even in happy relationships. 

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Commentary on Dating: If You're Tired of Pretending You're Someone You're Not (Perfect)

Don't Put Your Life on Hold for Anyone

Did anyone ever tell you that if you love someone you should wait for that person? However, what if that person never comes around? What if that person doesn't really want to be with you?

I know "love is patient" but don't put your life on hold for anyone.

Otherwise, you're just going to miss out on whatever experiences are meant for you along the way. Whether you decide to date or marry or just stay single your whole life, make the most of it. Travel, do volunteer work and get some hobbies. 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I Know I’m Asking A lot, Since I’m far From Perfect…

number one with red heart - by itselfI know I’m asking a lot because I’m far from perfect. However, I really need to know that the person I’m with knows for sure I’m the one or I don’t want to get married.

Even if I’m over 50 pounds overweight and may be almost too old to have children, and don’t always so or say the right things, my standards are the same.

And if miss out on love because of it, well, I know at least I did my part to show I cared. I know I’m asking a lot even though I’m far from perfect, but I just don’t want to have to try so hard anymore. I just don’t have the energy for it, and need someone willing to meet me halfway.

Of course, I also have to get used to someone wanting to be with me. It’s hard to after years of feeling rejected. I’ll tell you it’s nice, though – nice to know there’s people out there who don’t change their mind once a week.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Goodbye Child I’ll Never Have


Goodbye child I’ll never have

I really did love you

And hope we would’ve had

more time – more time than

never – to share.

Just so you know I worked hard for you

so hard that I didn’t have any time

to even decide when to let you

come into this world.

However, I didn’t want you to live like I had to live – poor and destitute and on food

stamps for over 10 years of my life.

I wanted so much better for you than my parents ever could’ve given me.

But now I’ll never know what I could’ve given you because I never had the chance

to even conceive you let alone get to know you.

I meant well, though.

I wanted the best for you, even if it meant you’d never be born – never exist.

Goodbye child I’ll never have. Goodbye.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Security Versus Love

When a person reaches 40 and is still single, it seems like security becomes as important as love. Sometimes, no matter how much a person intends to hold their head up high, life just doesn't go as planned. 

Therefore, it can be tough to choose love over security. I myself fell into the trap of realizing life is hard enough that it doesn't help much to have someone you love be so fickle. 

I can't deal with any of that anymore. I'd rather be alone or just be with someone who I know is going to be around than deal with a person who isn't. However, I also know that I don't want to get married until I know the person is "the one." 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I Had a Good 10-Year Run With My Dad, and Will Miss Him

I write in more detail about my dad and why I no longer speak to him on another blog. 

I had a good 10-year run with my dad, and I will miss him. I hoped for a happy ending, especially since his health isn't too good. However, after years of trying to reconcile with him, I'm not so sure I'll even ever see him before he dies. However, I will always cherish the time we had. 

About 10 years ago, I saw him again after years of not talking to him, and I'm glad I did. If I hadn't I wouldn't have known he's the reason I put pepper on my macaroni and cheese. I also wouldn't have had any idea that he's the reason I always wanted to become an entrepreneur and now have worked eight long years at my freelance writing business. 

Even though I currently don't talk to my dad, I'm glad I had that time with him as well as my autistic sisters. Sometimes people can't reconcile, but I don't regret trying with that person. 

Otherwise, how would I have ever really known if it's possible? Now it's time for me to just let go. 

By the way...

I hope that someone will help him get to the hospital because he procrastinated having me do it. And I really tried. So, even though he hurt me many times and tried to control me all my life, I did the best I could. I really did. 

Why all this Fear and Uneasiness? Is it Trying to Tell Me Something?

It seems like after I pray for God to answer prayers for me I wind up having very anxious feelings inside. Why all this fear? Is it trying to tell me something?

Am I feeling uneasy for a reason, or is the fear coming from the Devil? What is the reason for it?

Just yesterday I prayed that if God meant for me to be with one particular person that He would arrange for me to see this individual. Now I'm totally freaked out again. What if God actually honors that prayer? 

Will I ever even be ready for it if it does happen? I mean, if God really wants me to be with this person? Will I be able to handle it? 

There's also so many factors about this fear that I also have yet to explore. For instance, I once had a bad dream about this person. I'm not sure why. I'd tell you what the dream is, but this is supposed to be a blog about love and didn't want to get too much into the reasons why this particular dream freaked me out. 

Let's just say, after I woke up from this nightmare, I no longer had feelings for this person for at least several months. I thought maybe God sent this bad dream as a warning to me not to be with this person. 

But years later, I get a prophecy from God saying that there's "something I've been afraid to death with..." and some other things about how I would date men who try to control me and they might even try to abuse me, and that I "won't meet the one until I'm alone with God."

The being "afraid to deal with" part of this prophecy could've been more than one thing. I know for the longest time I couldn't make up my mind about what to do about my dad -- whether or not I needed to take any action against him for hurting in a very personal way.

However, I also had been also afraid to confront one person from my past -- one person I always really loved.

Because I love the person, I really want to believe he's the one. However, I feel extremely uneasy, and those feelings make me wonder if I'm wrong about him being the one. 

That's why the only thing I can do is pray. Pray that at the right time I will see him if God meant for me to be with him. If not, I will eventually move on. 

The only other prayer I have is this:

Once and for all God, please don't let me hang on emotionally to anyone I can't have. Please help me not have feelings for anyone who's not the one. I'm done being held back, and just want to be with the one once and for all. 

Right now: 

The only person I have feelings for is this person I always loved but at the same time always have been afraid of and don't know why. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

When Praying For "The One" to Come Along, It Never Occurred to Me God Might Answer

When praying for "the one" to come along, it never occurred to me that one day God might answer that prayer. I was so used to being single and living life as a single person and expecting to be single that my prayer of meeting "the one" was to me nothing more than just a pipe dream. 

Of course, learning all the wrong things about how to know who I should marry doesn't help much either. Most of the books I read counted on external factors such as financial, emotional, and spiritual maturity.

However, none of the literature I read said anything about following my heart. Sure, we have to be cautious. Otherwise, we could end up with someone who might abuse us, cheat on us, or otherwise betray us. 

However, we also have to remember to be prepared for the possibility that the right person could come along at any time. We have to be open to it and ready for it. 

In the process of being ready for the one, we also have to remember that the one does not always come in a perfect package. I'm not referring to physically but emotionally and mentally. Sometimes a person might say or do things you wouldn't expect or they might have habits that annoy you, or they might not have a perfect relationship past. 

Life Doesn't Wait For You to Get Your Act Together

Okay, so being financially stable and have healed emotionally from past childhood wounds and adult heartbreaks doesn't hurt. Still, life doesn't want for you to get your act together. I myself have learned that the hard way after trying so hard to take a good look at myself and dwell on every single imperfection I have. 

I spent almost all of my adult life from age 18 to now (39) striving so hard to achieve an ideal life. With that in mind, I don't mean I'm giving up on my dream of being a strong, independent woman because that's what has always been important to me. However, I also have to somehow let a person who may come along that it's not like I don't need a man at all. Believe me I do, and for more than one reason.

As for Me...

I used to think I was supposed to have it all together -- make sure I make enough money to take care of myself, which I do at least for my half of household expenses and working on bringing in more money beyond that. 

I mean, who wouldn't want to do that? Any woman with at least even the smallest shred of self-respect would as long as she's physically and emotionally able, and is already doing so to the best of her ability. 

However, beyond that, life seems to be happening the exact opposite of what I thought it would if I were to finally meet the one. A few years back, I remember saying to someone that my life was a total mess (mainly thinking of bills I owe), and because of it even at age 35 I didn't feel ready for marriage. 

However, there is one very important aspect of all of this I'm probably missing -- faith. It's hard, because I had this plan. I was going to get my act together, be making as much money as I wanted to make, and then meet the one. 

However, maybe I'm not fully believing the way God would want me to believe. If He wants me to be with someone He'll provide a way to make it happen -- somehow. 

That same faith used to believe God will provide financially also applies to having faith that he has my best interest in mind concerning a mate. In that regard, I'm now doing the one thing that all the books about relationships I read never mentioned:

I'm going to now follow my heart. 

Monday, September 30, 2013

In a Perfect World We’d all be Virgins Until We’re Married

world cutout-2

In a perfect world we’d all be virgins until we’re married. I myself sometimes regret the decision I made almost a decade ago to give mine up before signing that piece of commitment paper.

However, there’s nothing I can do about it now except grieve the fact that I won’t be able to give my future husband my best.

Or at least, I wouldn’t be able to give him my original best. I learned a lesson about judging people, though.

I now know that it’s possible one or more of the men I ever loved actually did love me. One in particular I rejected because I had never been with anyone yet and was almost certain he had.

I wish I hadn’t ever lost my virginity especially not to someone I never even loved. However, on the other hand, I now know that it’s very possible to feel so rejected and alone that I can desperately throw myself at just anyone.

I’m not saying that the men I dated lost their virginity out of loneliness or desperation like I did. However, maybe it’s possible I’m partly to blame that at least one person I knew chose to do it with someone else instead of me.

I don’t know if what I’m saying even makes sense. All I can say is the tables are turned. More men lately got upset with me for the fact that I wanted to play the field for a while versus the other way around as it was when I was younger.

I never thought it would come to this. Not ever. I thought I was better than this no offense men. I don’t mean I ever thought I was better than you, and now that some of you know some of my deepest skeletons, you know that now.

However, I still thought I was better than this. But it’s not a perfect world and most of us aren’t virgins.


Sunday, September 29, 2013

To Know Who's the One, Give Someone a Chance

Blank background of this photo will soon be for sale on Etsy.
If you've ever loved and lost, you eventually get to the point where you wonder if it's worth the risk of getting hurt again. Who wants to go through that pain?

To fear being hurt so much that you fear love, you delay destiny even further. Take it from me, I obsessed over studying how to know who's the one and sucked in all kinds of advice about not dating until I'm ready to get married and more.

But here I am almost 40 years old and still single -- and it's NOT because no one wanted me! So, what advice do I have for the younger generation?

Sometimes, after you've been hurt, you do need some time to heal. However, you can't let the pain of lost love prevent you from destiny.

Destiny is fluid, and changes, depending on the choices we make.

The huge mistake about destiny is that people don't understand it's all about free will. We can't just do whatever we want and eventually expect good things to happen to us. It is actually possible to miss our destiny and our calling throughout our entire lifetime.

It's also possible to miss the chance of ever being with the one. Therefore, I say to know who's the one, we have to give someone a chance. If we don't we'll end up alone for the rest of our lives.

So what makes me think I know so much about love?

I don't. I'm just speaking to you from my heart -- from the heart of a woman who's made many relationship mistakes. Please listen to me. If you don't give anyone a chance just because you've been hurt in the past, you not only damage yourself but you ruin another person's chance at happiness.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Our Love Used to be Real, then Became a Dream

Our love used to be real once upon a time.

But you turned it into something all in my mind.

You were good at saying what I thought you'd mean.

But I woke up -- realized it all was just a dream. 

A Few Years Back (About a Dream the Author of This Post Had)

About three years ago, the author (Julie Anne) of this post had a dream of being together with her first love from high school. She had this dream shortly after he told her she was "not what he was looking for physically and mentally." 

Since them, she's not sure any more if he was supposed to be the one or not. She would do anything right now to get over it, but feels partly at fault why they broke up a long time ago. However, Julie strives for something real and meaningful and longs for something she can hold onto -- a more stable kind of love she can count on, and not the kind that ends after only three and a half short months. 

She has vented for years on one of her other relationship blogs, but now wishes to write as much as possible about the positive side of love as a way to emotionally heal. It's not always easy though. 

Another Update (New Dream)

September 11, 2013 -- She had a dream last night -- well early morning actually -- that she was trying to search for her first love. She would think she saw him, and at one point in the dream spoke out to him:

"You're not the person I was looking for!" 

She kept thinking over and over that it was, but suddenly realized it probably isn't. 

Not Everything About Love is Happy

Not Everything About Love is Happy -- but Instead Often Very Sad

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but this is reality. Sometimes you have to let go, and during the process you have to heal from the pain of losing someone. 

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved?

When I was a teenager I used to think so. I was told that "there's other fish in the sea" and all the cheesy things people say to someone who has lost someone. However, to "have loved and lost" has just become a tiresome cliche that I don't want to hear anymore.

When it comes to love, will I ever get a choice?

I have loved and lost so many times I wonder if I will ever get a choice in the matter. Not everything about love is happy, and the only time anyone ever is in love with me is if I don't feel the same way about him. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Love is Love, Whether Reciprocated or Not

The best kind of love is that which is reciprocated. Who can argue that?

However, love is love, whether a person is loved back or not. I must admit I don't like the saying anymore that "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

I would much rather be able to have someone to love that's going to stick around. However, we can't help who we love -- whether that person (or persons) loves us back or not. 

This pertains to romantic as well as non-romantic relationships, by the way. We all have to accept the fact that the people we try to show love to may not be able to give it to us (at least not in the same way) in return. Sometimes it just isn't going to happen so we have to love ourselves. 

To Heal, God Told Me to Write About Love

To heal emotionally, God told me to write about love. It's been a long time since I've done this. The past few years I've vented in anger, but then I was reminded of something I once heard:

Therefore, I'm following the advice to write strictly about love on this blog. It's a hard thing to do now more so than when I was younger. However, I think it's a good idea considering I need to regain the optimism I once had in my youth.