Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Even if I’m over 50 pounds overweight and may be almost too old to have children, and don’t always so or say the right things, my standards are the same.
And if miss out on love because of it, well, I know at least I did my part to show I cared. I know I’m asking a lot even though I’m far from perfect, but I just don’t want to have to try so hard anymore. I just don’t have the energy for it, and need someone willing to meet me halfway.
Of course, I also have to get used to someone wanting to be with me. It’s hard to after years of feeling rejected. I’ll tell you it’s nice, though – nice to know there’s people out there who don’t change their mind once a week.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Goodbye child I’ll never have
I really did love you
And hope we would’ve had
more time – more time than
never – to share.
Just so you know I worked hard for you
so hard that I didn’t have any time
to even decide when to let you
come into this world.
However, I didn’t want you to live like I had to live – poor and destitute and on food
stamps for over 10 years of my life.
I wanted so much better for you than my parents ever could’ve given me.
But now I’ll never know what I could’ve given you because I never had the chance
to even conceive you let alone get to know you.
I meant well, though.
I wanted the best for you, even if it meant you’d never be born – never exist.
Goodbye child I’ll never have. Goodbye.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Therefore, it can be tough to choose love over security. I myself fell into the trap of realizing life is hard enough that it doesn't help much to have someone you love be so fickle.
I can't deal with any of that anymore. I'd rather be alone or just be with someone who I know is going to be around than deal with a person who isn't. However, I also know that I don't want to get married until I know the person is "the one."
Thursday, October 3, 2013
I had a good 10-year run with my dad, and I will miss him. I hoped for a happy ending, especially since his health isn't too good. However, after years of trying to reconcile with him, I'm not so sure I'll even ever see him before he dies. However, I will always cherish the time we had.
About 10 years ago, I saw him again after years of not talking to him, and I'm glad I did. If I hadn't I wouldn't have known he's the reason I put pepper on my macaroni and cheese. I also wouldn't have had any idea that he's the reason I always wanted to become an entrepreneur and now have worked eight long years at my freelance writing business.
Even though I currently don't talk to my dad, I'm glad I had that time with him as well as my autistic sisters. Sometimes people can't reconcile, but I don't regret trying with that person.
Otherwise, how would I have ever really known if it's possible? Now it's time for me to just let go.
By the way...
I hope that someone will help him get to the hospital because he procrastinated having me do it. And I really tried. So, even though he hurt me many times and tried to control me all my life, I did the best I could. I really did.
Am I feeling uneasy for a reason, or is the fear coming from the Devil? What is the reason for it?
Just yesterday I prayed that if God meant for me to be with one particular person that He would arrange for me to see this individual. Now I'm totally freaked out again. What if God actually honors that prayer?
Will I ever even be ready for it if it does happen? I mean, if God really wants me to be with this person? Will I be able to handle it?
There's also so many factors about this fear that I also have yet to explore. For instance, I once had a bad dream about this person. I'm not sure why. I'd tell you what the dream is, but this is supposed to be a blog about love and didn't want to get too much into the reasons why this particular dream freaked me out.
Let's just say, after I woke up from this nightmare, I no longer had feelings for this person for at least several months. I thought maybe God sent this bad dream as a warning to me not to be with this person.
But years later, I get a prophecy from God saying that there's "something I've been afraid to death with..." and some other things about how I would date men who try to control me and they might even try to abuse me, and that I "won't meet the one until I'm alone with God."
The being "afraid to deal with" part of this prophecy could've been more than one thing. I know for the longest time I couldn't make up my mind about what to do about my dad -- whether or not I needed to take any action against him for hurting in a very personal way.
However, I also had been also afraid to confront one person from my past -- one person I always really loved.
Because I love the person, I really want to believe he's the one. However, I feel extremely uneasy, and those feelings make me wonder if I'm wrong about him being the one.
That's why the only thing I can do is pray. Pray that at the right time I will see him if God meant for me to be with him. If not, I will eventually move on.
Once and for all God, please don't let me hang on emotionally to anyone I can't have. Please help me not have feelings for anyone who's not the one. I'm done being held back, and just want to be with the one once and for all.
The only person I have feelings for is this person I always loved but at the same time always have been afraid of and don't know why.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Of course, learning all the wrong things about how to know who I should marry doesn't help much either. Most of the books I read counted on external factors such as financial, emotional, and spiritual maturity.
However, none of the literature I read said anything about following my heart. Sure, we have to be cautious. Otherwise, we could end up with someone who might abuse us, cheat on us, or otherwise betray us.
However, we also have to remember to be prepared for the possibility that the right person could come along at any time. We have to be open to it and ready for it.
In the process of being ready for the one, we also have to remember that the one does not always come in a perfect package. I'm not referring to physically but emotionally and mentally. Sometimes a person might say or do things you wouldn't expect or they might have habits that annoy you, or they might not have a perfect relationship past.