Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Commentary on Dating: If You're Tired of Pretending You're Someone You're Not (Perfect)

Don't Put Your Life on Hold for Anyone

Did anyone ever tell you that if you love someone you should wait for that person? However, what if that person never comes around? What if that person doesn't really want to be with you?

I know "love is patient" but don't put your life on hold for anyone.

Otherwise, you're just going to miss out on whatever experiences are meant for you along the way. Whether you decide to date or marry or just stay single your whole life, make the most of it. Travel, do volunteer work and get some hobbies. 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I Know I’m Asking A lot, Since I’m far From Perfect…

number one with red heart - by itselfI know I’m asking a lot because I’m far from perfect. However, I really need to know that the person I’m with knows for sure I’m the one or I don’t want to get married.

Even if I’m over 50 pounds overweight and may be almost too old to have children, and don’t always so or say the right things, my standards are the same.

And if miss out on love because of it, well, I know at least I did my part to show I cared. I know I’m asking a lot even though I’m far from perfect, but I just don’t want to have to try so hard anymore. I just don’t have the energy for it, and need someone willing to meet me halfway.

Of course, I also have to get used to someone wanting to be with me. It’s hard to after years of feeling rejected. I’ll tell you it’s nice, though – nice to know there’s people out there who don’t change their mind once a week.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Goodbye Child I’ll Never Have


Goodbye child I’ll never have

I really did love you

And hope we would’ve had

more time – more time than

never – to share.

Just so you know I worked hard for you

so hard that I didn’t have any time

to even decide when to let you

come into this world.

However, I didn’t want you to live like I had to live – poor and destitute and on food

stamps for over 10 years of my life.

I wanted so much better for you than my parents ever could’ve given me.

But now I’ll never know what I could’ve given you because I never had the chance

to even conceive you let alone get to know you.

I meant well, though.

I wanted the best for you, even if it meant you’d never be born – never exist.

Goodbye child I’ll never have. Goodbye.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Security Versus Love

When a person reaches 40 and is still single, it seems like security becomes as important as love. Sometimes, no matter how much a person intends to hold their head up high, life just doesn't go as planned. 

Therefore, it can be tough to choose love over security. I myself fell into the trap of realizing life is hard enough that it doesn't help much to have someone you love be so fickle. 

I can't deal with any of that anymore. I'd rather be alone or just be with someone who I know is going to be around than deal with a person who isn't. However, I also know that I don't want to get married until I know the person is "the one." 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I Had a Good 10-Year Run With My Dad, and Will Miss Him

I write in more detail about my dad and why I no longer speak to him on another blog. 

I had a good 10-year run with my dad, and I will miss him. I hoped for a happy ending, especially since his health isn't too good. However, after years of trying to reconcile with him, I'm not so sure I'll even ever see him before he dies. However, I will always cherish the time we had. 

About 10 years ago, I saw him again after years of not talking to him, and I'm glad I did. If I hadn't I wouldn't have known he's the reason I put pepper on my macaroni and cheese. I also wouldn't have had any idea that he's the reason I always wanted to become an entrepreneur and now have worked eight long years at my freelance writing business. 

Even though I currently don't talk to my dad, I'm glad I had that time with him as well as my autistic sisters. Sometimes people can't reconcile, but I don't regret trying with that person. 

Otherwise, how would I have ever really known if it's possible? Now it's time for me to just let go. 

By the way...

I hope that someone will help him get to the hospital because he procrastinated having me do it. And I really tried. So, even though he hurt me many times and tried to control me all my life, I did the best I could. I really did. 

Why all this Fear and Uneasiness? Is it Trying to Tell Me Something?

It seems like after I pray for God to answer prayers for me I wind up having very anxious feelings inside. Why all this fear? Is it trying to tell me something?

Am I feeling uneasy for a reason, or is the fear coming from the Devil? What is the reason for it?

Just yesterday I prayed that if God meant for me to be with one particular person that He would arrange for me to see this individual. Now I'm totally freaked out again. What if God actually honors that prayer? 

Will I ever even be ready for it if it does happen? I mean, if God really wants me to be with this person? Will I be able to handle it? 

There's also so many factors about this fear that I also have yet to explore. For instance, I once had a bad dream about this person. I'm not sure why. I'd tell you what the dream is, but this is supposed to be a blog about love and didn't want to get too much into the reasons why this particular dream freaked me out. 

Let's just say, after I woke up from this nightmare, I no longer had feelings for this person for at least several months. I thought maybe God sent this bad dream as a warning to me not to be with this person. 

But years later, I get a prophecy from God saying that there's "something I've been afraid to death with..." and some other things about how I would date men who try to control me and they might even try to abuse me, and that I "won't meet the one until I'm alone with God."

The being "afraid to deal with" part of this prophecy could've been more than one thing. I know for the longest time I couldn't make up my mind about what to do about my dad -- whether or not I needed to take any action against him for hurting in a very personal way.

However, I also had been also afraid to confront one person from my past -- one person I always really loved.

Because I love the person, I really want to believe he's the one. However, I feel extremely uneasy, and those feelings make me wonder if I'm wrong about him being the one. 

That's why the only thing I can do is pray. Pray that at the right time I will see him if God meant for me to be with him. If not, I will eventually move on. 

The only other prayer I have is this:

Once and for all God, please don't let me hang on emotionally to anyone I can't have. Please help me not have feelings for anyone who's not the one. I'm done being held back, and just want to be with the one once and for all. 

Right now: 

The only person I have feelings for is this person I always loved but at the same time always have been afraid of and don't know why. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

When Praying For "The One" to Come Along, It Never Occurred to Me God Might Answer

When praying for "the one" to come along, it never occurred to me that one day God might answer that prayer. I was so used to being single and living life as a single person and expecting to be single that my prayer of meeting "the one" was to me nothing more than just a pipe dream. 

Of course, learning all the wrong things about how to know who I should marry doesn't help much either. Most of the books I read counted on external factors such as financial, emotional, and spiritual maturity.

However, none of the literature I read said anything about following my heart. Sure, we have to be cautious. Otherwise, we could end up with someone who might abuse us, cheat on us, or otherwise betray us. 

However, we also have to remember to be prepared for the possibility that the right person could come along at any time. We have to be open to it and ready for it. 

In the process of being ready for the one, we also have to remember that the one does not always come in a perfect package. I'm not referring to physically but emotionally and mentally. Sometimes a person might say or do things you wouldn't expect or they might have habits that annoy you, or they might not have a perfect relationship past. 

Life Doesn't Wait For You to Get Your Act Together

Okay, so being financially stable and have healed emotionally from past childhood wounds and adult heartbreaks doesn't hurt. Still, life doesn't want for you to get your act together. I myself have learned that the hard way after trying so hard to take a good look at myself and dwell on every single imperfection I have. 

I spent almost all of my adult life from age 18 to now (39) striving so hard to achieve an ideal life. With that in mind, I don't mean I'm giving up on my dream of being a strong, independent woman because that's what has always been important to me. However, I also have to somehow let a person who may come along that it's not like I don't need a man at all. Believe me I do, and for more than one reason.

As for Me...

I used to think I was supposed to have it all together -- make sure I make enough money to take care of myself, which I do at least for my half of household expenses and working on bringing in more money beyond that. 

I mean, who wouldn't want to do that? Any woman with at least even the smallest shred of self-respect would as long as she's physically and emotionally able, and is already doing so to the best of her ability. 

However, beyond that, life seems to be happening the exact opposite of what I thought it would if I were to finally meet the one. A few years back, I remember saying to someone that my life was a total mess (mainly thinking of bills I owe), and because of it even at age 35 I didn't feel ready for marriage. 

However, there is one very important aspect of all of this I'm probably missing -- faith. It's hard, because I had this plan. I was going to get my act together, be making as much money as I wanted to make, and then meet the one. 

However, maybe I'm not fully believing the way God would want me to believe. If He wants me to be with someone He'll provide a way to make it happen -- somehow. 

That same faith used to believe God will provide financially also applies to having faith that he has my best interest in mind concerning a mate. In that regard, I'm now doing the one thing that all the books about relationships I read never mentioned:

I'm going to now follow my heart.