Tuesday, November 26, 2013

In Case You Thought I Wanted an Instant Relationship -- Not True

I think I may have given one or more of my exes the idea that I wanted an instant relationship. If so, I apologize for the misunderstanding and nothing could be further than the truth.

I never meant to give you that impression. After all, it's just as much my responsibility to decide what I want as well, right? The only thing I don't like is trying to tell a guy I'm glad I met him and that I enjoy his company for him to be a total downer.

Other than that, as long as we don't talk about the relationship and where it's going, believe me, I'm fine. Men are just as guilty of killing a relationship by talking about it too much, not just women. 

And, just because I express my feelings doesn't mean that I want something more than what it is. I sometimes just wish the man would let me live in my little fantasy for awhile. Is that too much to ask?

On the other hand, I read many books about not rushing relationships or worrying about marriage. Ironically, almost every man I ever dated brought up the subject (other than in a passing or joking manner) before I did. 

Monday, November 25, 2013

Concerning Matters of Destiny, I Hope I'm Not Delusional

Is He Really The One?

When it comes to matters of destiny as well as matters of the heart, I hope i'm not delusional. So many factors determine whether or not my feelings are real or whether or not they're all in my head. 

Many a Time My Emotions Fooled Me

Over and over again I thought I might have met the one. Then, I later realized maybe it was just wishful thinking. When will I ever know for sure? Ever? I've been wrong so many times before, so when will I ever be right? 

All I can think to do is listen to and follow my heart. Eventually it will lead me to the right place. I can only hope, anyway. 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

To Someone From My Past: One Thing I Was Afraid to Tell You (That I Just Wanted to Be With You)

Sometimes in relationships, I felt damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I could push someone away if I act too tough, as if I don't need a man. But I could scare him away if I use too many words when I want to admit how I really feel. Still, I always lived by this rule: We only live once!

To Someone from My Past: One Thing I Was Afraid to Tell You

If you see this, you by now know way too much about me. Nowadays, I might seem too neurotic and even appear desperate, and for some reason decided to over-share which I don't typically do to a guy. 

But remember there was a time when I would've never made any effort at all to share how I really feel about a person, or told anyone anything personal about me. And now, I'm re-stating some things I've said to you within the past four years, but still feel I have more to add. 

When you used to call me almost every day and make time for me, I didn't feel like I had to try so hard to make an effort to show you I care. Furthermore, I felt secure not because I didn't find you attractive but because you always assured me with your eyes that you do really love me. 

You didn't even have to say it, though you did admit to me in writing that you wondered if you did love me. I didn't know what to think, because you passed those written thoughts to me during lunchtime at school only two weeks after we met. 

I didn't get a chance to respond in that moment, because you had somewhere you had to be. However, you should know this: Ever since you put the idea out there until three and a half months later, I pondered my own feelings.

At one point, I even said out loud (or to myself honestly don't remember), "I see no end to this. If it ever did end, it would have to be because he broke up with me." And, I wish I hadn't said that because I feel now like I accidentally prophesied our breakup. 

I Missed You Since Then, But Everything Happens for a Reason 

Neither when you and I were together nor after you broke up with me, I don't know if I really thought every aspect of our relationship through consciously. However, when I think about all that was going on at that time, I wasn't sure how I could've continued our relationship anyway.

I had idea how I could ever tell you about the repeated abuse in my home at the time. Because of not wanting to tell you anything about it, I was actually relieved you ended our relationship. I also thought you terminated it for good reason -- that we were kind of young to be deciding who's "the one."  

Aside from not wanting to reveal what's behind #1 at my house, I agreed with your decision to take a break. In the process, I didn't anticipate this: 

Not seeing you for over two decades just because either of us never made it clear to the other what we wanted. Or maybe we really didn't know what we wanted, and to put your mind at ease, it really wasn't just you who didn't know. 

Nevertheless, I must say it also wasn't because I thought you were inferior. And I didn't even meet anyone else to date until almost two months later and didn't fall in love again 'til over six years later. 

When I Was With You

When with you, I was trying to figure out what love was and I often wondering how long I had to be with someone before I know I loved him. Over two decades later, I realize I really did love you but I wasn't sure when I'd ever know I'm ready for marriage. 

I also didn't expect that you'd know when you were ready either -- not at that time. Not at 15 or 16 years old. Who does that? Oh yeah, my parents. They got married at 18, which was two years after giving birth to me. 

My parent's marriage was a long, rocky road -- and a downhill steep from the time you first met me on until I turned 19. If you thought it was you I didn't want, that was definitely false. Nothing could have been more false, in fact. 

The one Thing I Was Afraid to Tell You

You may have already seen this in an email message. However, I'm saying it again because it's true. Also, it relates to the struggles I've had in the past four to five years with not being able to make up my mind who's "the one." 

The One Thing I Was Always Afraid to Tell You: I never wanted to be with anyone else. Not then and not now. I just wanted to be with you. The only reason I ever dated anyone else -- especially after you were long gone for over 17 years -- was because I felt it was my duty. 

If you didn't want to be with me, I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself and never date anyone else. However, the truth is, you really were the only one I ever wanted to be with and I hope I do get to see you again. 

And I Can't Believe I'm Posting This Live: I feel self-conscious. I hope you don't think I'm psycho if you ever see this. We just only have one life to live, and I don't mean the soap opera either. It's true. Only one life. 

Hindsight Tells all About Love Once Again (What I've Learned About Relationships)

A person can think another individual doesn't love him or her. Usually, this occurs when one person in the relationship doesn't respond to a partner's attempts at showing affection. Worse yet, the other person might not reciprocate or may not call very often, and so on. 

Sometimes, one person in the relationship may even talk about marriage and then later back out of an engagement. I myself thought this happened because the person's feelings changed. 

I found out eventually all my relationships were (for the most part) mutual.

When I say "mutual," I don't mean that the other person always put forth as much effort as me, but they usually felt the same way as I did inside. A person may have wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with him, but oftentimes circumstances got in the way. 

Bad Timing + Not Ready = Frustration

Over the years, I've developed a simple formula for relationships. No matter how we felt about one another in any relationship I've ever had, it didn't help that either of us was not ready for marriage. Frustration stews in the emotions of two people when they want to be together but don't feel they can do anything about it. 

Should It End If No One Is Ready?

I'm not saying people have to be ready for marriage in order to date. However, speaking from the perspective of someone who's had genuine feelings for over a half a dozen people in my lifetime, it certainly wouldn't hurt to be ready!

Now, I don't really like to dwell on the past and get caught in "if only I didn't...", but I can say this: If a person can at all stand being alone, it's better to travel, go back to school, get some hobbies and work toward establishing financial and emotional stability before dating one person after another. 

What if I Never Marry?

So what? Who cares?! And don't worry about what anyone thinks, not even grandkid-hungry parents. No one should judge -- especially parents and friends who aren't even in happy relationships.