Sunday, November 24, 2013

To Someone From My Past: One Thing I Was Afraid to Tell You (That I Just Wanted to Be With You)

Sometimes in relationships, I felt damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I could push someone away if I act too tough, as if I don't need a man. But I could scare him away if I use too many words when I want to admit how I really feel. Still, I always lived by this rule: We only live once!

To Someone from My Past: One Thing I Was Afraid to Tell You

If you see this, you by now know way too much about me. Nowadays, I might seem too neurotic and even appear desperate, and for some reason decided to over-share which I don't typically do to a guy. 

But remember there was a time when I would've never made any effort at all to share how I really feel about a person, or told anyone anything personal about me. And now, I'm re-stating some things I've said to you within the past four years, but still feel I have more to add. 

When you used to call me almost every day and make time for me, I didn't feel like I had to try so hard to make an effort to show you I care. Furthermore, I felt secure not because I didn't find you attractive but because you always assured me with your eyes that you do really love me. 

You didn't even have to say it, though you did admit to me in writing that you wondered if you did love me. I didn't know what to think, because you passed those written thoughts to me during lunchtime at school only two weeks after we met. 

I didn't get a chance to respond in that moment, because you had somewhere you had to be. However, you should know this: Ever since you put the idea out there until three and a half months later, I pondered my own feelings.

At one point, I even said out loud (or to myself honestly don't remember), "I see no end to this. If it ever did end, it would have to be because he broke up with me." And, I wish I hadn't said that because I feel now like I accidentally prophesied our breakup. 

I Missed You Since Then, But Everything Happens for a Reason 

Neither when you and I were together nor after you broke up with me, I don't know if I really thought every aspect of our relationship through consciously. However, when I think about all that was going on at that time, I wasn't sure how I could've continued our relationship anyway.

I had idea how I could ever tell you about the repeated abuse in my home at the time. Because of not wanting to tell you anything about it, I was actually relieved you ended our relationship. I also thought you terminated it for good reason -- that we were kind of young to be deciding who's "the one."  

Aside from not wanting to reveal what's behind #1 at my house, I agreed with your decision to take a break. In the process, I didn't anticipate this: 

Not seeing you for over two decades just because either of us never made it clear to the other what we wanted. Or maybe we really didn't know what we wanted, and to put your mind at ease, it really wasn't just you who didn't know. 

Nevertheless, I must say it also wasn't because I thought you were inferior. And I didn't even meet anyone else to date until almost two months later and didn't fall in love again 'til over six years later. 

When I Was With You

When with you, I was trying to figure out what love was and I often wondering how long I had to be with someone before I know I loved him. Over two decades later, I realize I really did love you but I wasn't sure when I'd ever know I'm ready for marriage. 

I also didn't expect that you'd know when you were ready either -- not at that time. Not at 15 or 16 years old. Who does that? Oh yeah, my parents. They got married at 18, which was two years after giving birth to me. 

My parent's marriage was a long, rocky road -- and a downhill steep from the time you first met me on until I turned 19. If you thought it was you I didn't want, that was definitely false. Nothing could have been more false, in fact. 

The one Thing I Was Afraid to Tell You

You may have already seen this in an email message. However, I'm saying it again because it's true. Also, it relates to the struggles I've had in the past four to five years with not being able to make up my mind who's "the one." 

The One Thing I Was Always Afraid to Tell You: I never wanted to be with anyone else. Not then and not now. I just wanted to be with you. The only reason I ever dated anyone else -- especially after you were long gone for over 17 years -- was because I felt it was my duty. 

If you didn't want to be with me, I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself and never date anyone else. However, the truth is, you really were the only one I ever wanted to be with and I hope I do get to see you again. 

And I Can't Believe I'm Posting This Live: I feel self-conscious. I hope you don't think I'm psycho if you ever see this. We just only have one life to live, and I don't mean the soap opera either. It's true. Only one life. 

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